Airplanes

Sometimes I wish I could love and be loved by someone like me. It has happened but I always felt like both of us never gave it a chance. It's like driving around in a car at 5 in the morning and both of us thinking the same thing. Never saying it but knowing we're thinking about it. not even waiting for the other one to say it, maybe hoping that the other one will take the chance but not hoping too much because we know we are brave or crazy enough to take it and we don't really want it in the end. Or we're actually two cowards, I don't really know. Because we know how it's going to end.

you'll say we never really know how is going to end, but since we are thinking the same thing, that's the irony of it all, isn't it?

I feel I'm a plane. A plane can have a love story with the earth. It lands because it needs feeding and rest. It's not an easy love story because planes need to fly, because they sometimes land in the wrong places and because it can end very bad on landing. But they say there are far more chances for a car having an accident than for a plane crashing on landing. But planes can't have love stories with other planes. They don't stay long enough in the same place on land to get to know each other because they need to fly don't they? and in the air, well if two planes meet in the air then they definetly crash afterwards.

that leaves the sky. But even if planes dream of being in the sky, they are too small and freil to have a happy ending love story with the sky because their earthly needs and old age will eventually bring them back to earth. Where they will end up next to another old and dammaged airplane, two stangers on a land where they only half belong to.

How the story ends

Tessa wanted to live under sunnier skies. Now she does.

Sunday

6 o'clock in the morning
Slammed door. Bright light. A crying voice bursting into my sleeping ears. "Tess, why did he do that? He just left. We had sex and then he left, just a minute ago. He didn't want to stay. Why did he do that? I don't understand. What did I do wrong?"
If you ever wake up from a two-hours sleep like this and think that your day might be off to a bad start, you're wrong. It's not the day that will be bad, it's the whole week.

1 o'oclock in the afternoon
I really have to wake up and start working on my report. The deadline was on Friday and 2 days later I still have zero pages written so far. 30 pages by tonight. I should be able to manage it. O is coming today to our place to search for a job on the internet. Her internet is not working. It's a good thing she's coming by because she's so determined when she wants something done, that I'll probbaly feel motivated to sit in front of my computer and not move all day long until I finish the bloody report.

6 o'clock in the afternoon
I was right. We spent the whole day in front of our computers, working. I have 10 pages so far and a terrible pain in the neck. I only took short five minutes' breaks to smoke a cigarette each half hour or so. Now that my report is finally starting to have a certain frame and content I begin to think about going out tonight. I could just go out for an hour or two and come back by 11. Anyway I can't stand being in front of the computer anymore. I can't concentrate and I'm on the verge of giving up completely. I really don't care about this report, the degree and all the stupid people involved in the programme I'm doing this year.

11 o'clock in the evening
I haven't gone out. I decided against it when I saw that my 10 pages from 6 o'clock had only become 12 by 9. I really have to send it tomorrow. I've already missed the Friday deadline.

2 o'clok in the morning
My head will soon explode. Or my neck will break. I took several breaks just to rest my neck but I don't thing that they had any positive effect. I have 16 pages. I just need 20 pages of content, the rest will be filled with the introduction, summary, thanks, conclusion and other useless stuff that my programme's personnel mentioned in the "How to succed your final report" guide they sent me some time ago. I think I'll take a little break and start reading a sensational novel.

4o'clock in the morning
I've been reading my sensational novel for two hours now. I think it's time for me to go to sleep. I'll finish it tomorrow-the report that is.

In between

I feel sad. It's silly, really, because I realize that I haven't felt just sad in a long long time. It was always sadness mingled with anger, or pain or whatever. But not this time. I just sit and look at him, look at me and it's as if I were watching some kind of TV programme or somebody else's life, as if our words and acts are somehow independant, beyond our control and all I can do is watch as they decide by themselves what to do with my life.
This must be what they call denial.
Is this love? No, it musn't be. It's a may have been love, something that could have happened but never did. And I keep telling myself "if only I had met him later, later"and it's so sad, the way we sit in front of each other, I, knowing that he did love me and that he could still love me but that he doesn't want to, and he, knowing.... well i honestly don't know what he knows-that it's just infatuation, that it couldn't last, that he would not want it to last?

What am I

The Sudden Departure Random Brutal Love Master (RBLM) Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure. You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries. Your exact female opposite: The Intern Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose. ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber (DGSD), The Gentleman (DGLM) CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail (RBLM), someone just like you Link: The Online Dating Persona Test @ OkCupid - free online dating.

Prologue

I realized that I seldom learn from my mistakes. In time I thought I had learned an important lesson : never mingle different group of friends. But since I never had a lover in the French way, meaning outside a relationship, it never hit me that the rule also applies to "mingle group of friends knowing your lover" with ex-boyfriend. Well I know that now! Why don't people and relationships come with "instructions for installation and use"? I wish they did.

My name is Tessa. I live in Paris and dream of living under sunnier skies.