Men

Now really

"Do you know how a little about skype?" (38 year old male, married? probably, known him since... yesterday)
"?"
"well, like how to download it. I'm not good with computers."
"(!) you can just go on google, type skype, you'll find the site and you can download it"
"Oh, I don't know. Could you help me do it?"
"(!!!!) yes, ok. on this computer at the office?"
"oh, no, off course."
" well today I don't think..."
"no no, let's say friday, my place"

Me stupid, I know.

"This is definetely the last time I'm going to koh samet......"
" You should really go to koh chang. It's better ...." (26 or something year old male, with girlfriend, work colleague)
" I have been talking with Ae about it for a long time and we said we're gonna go someday."
"....." we go on about koh chang
"So, I'll take you there one week end if you want."
Me stupid again, thinking it'll be a let's get together with other colleagues thing (meaning more than just he and I) "sounds nice, we could do it one week end" until it turns out he did not tell anyone else about koh chang and sends me an address to check some hotel, see if I like it. The big romantic luxurious resort. Great.

"So do you want to go to samet next week end with us ?"(27 year old male, single) Us meaning three other guys+ one girl, no couples.
"Sure." so I take two days leave, really needed a break, definetely not a romantic getaway.
They change locations for a while and one of the three other guys keeps me posted during the week. finally he says one day before leaving, the other options are off, samet still standing. We meet to buy tickets, he doesn't breath a word about the others, though since they leave together I assume they sent him to buy the tickets for them too, no need for five people to do it. Ok, I go buy tickets with him. He asks for two. "what about the others?" he avoids the question. I insist. "oh, they changed their minds yesterday, they're going to kanchanaburi, in the mountains, quite unexciting. They didn't call you?" ok, so I just assume I wasn't invited as well at kanchanaburi. "so, who else is going to samet?". " D and his girlfriends and x and y and two other guys I don't know from bangkok. " I already took my days off, I'm not going to stay home alone and there are more people going so I say ok. When we arrive to samet, turns out finally there's only D and his girlfriend, the romantic couples' week end on schedule. Me very very stupid.

So I cannot help but wonder -as a famous quote would go- is it something about me -like the fact that I must be stupid- or is it just this place? Do men really think that by forcing a little your hand they will get away with want they want so easily? Because I may be easily led sometimes but I still can and do say no.

touché

Me and C. on my terasse overlooking the sea drinking beers.
C. has this new theory about how he is going to find women willing to pay to sleep with him.
"... I'm gonna show her my passport and say : See, address : Sincity. No money, no honey!"
" so what happens if you both live in Sincity and go by the " no money no honey"?
" then we're drinking beers and smoking cigarettes."

Life is full of black horizons

"I want to go somewhere."
"I want to go somewhere too."

I'll take a quiet life

"Where do we go?"

No guns and no surprises

"Anywhere."

So we took the motorbike and just drove for one hour. Then we came back.

the unexpected, the strange and the scary

OMG! I'm completely losing it. This can't be happening to me!

He came back this morning. I swear that when I saw him my heart skipped a beat just like they say in the stupid cheesy novels. Then it began beating very fast and I developped a huge knot in my stomach and I had to Concentrate in order to speak coherently and I felt my cheeks going red. OMG! I think I might have a panick attack. Or a heart attack. I'm too old for this. I could not eat lunch. Only thinking about food made my stomach moan. It said "Don't make me have to swallow things because it would be impossible, I refuse to unknot and the said things would have to go somewhere else". This is insane. I don't skip lunch because of men. It just doesn't happen to me.



This is what happens to teenagers. I wanted the butterflies and the insecurity. That's what makes life more exciting, right? As if I needed a more exciting life! I'm sooooo stupid. Stupid stupid stupid! Not only is this completely insane (I know I'm repeating myself, it's one of the symptoms) and not going anywhere (though I could think of one or two places I would want this to go to) even with grounds that it would be a shared feeling, the problem is that I don't Think that it is a shared feeling. I may see some little signs, but it is certainly My imagination. Definately. Otherwise I would be Really pissed.



Now I remembered why I'm hanging on the safe, "we've lived our share of passion now we just care about each other" "we already know the best and worst about each other" kind of relationship. Because this other stuff is scary. I mean Really scary.



Ok. this feels better. I had to tell someone about this. Just breath in, breath out and get through the day Tess. He'll be gone tonight. I can't wait to be locked in my room. I'll just hang on to that thouight for the rest of the day and I'll be ok.

Airplanes

Sometimes I wish I could love and be loved by someone like me. It has happened but I always felt like both of us never gave it a chance. It's like driving around in a car at 5 in the morning and both of us thinking the same thing. Never saying it but knowing we're thinking about it. not even waiting for the other one to say it, maybe hoping that the other one will take the chance but not hoping too much because we know we are brave or crazy enough to take it and we don't really want it in the end. Or we're actually two cowards, I don't really know. Because we know how it's going to end.

you'll say we never really know how is going to end, but since we are thinking the same thing, that's the irony of it all, isn't it?

I feel I'm a plane. A plane can have a love story with the earth. It lands because it needs feeding and rest. It's not an easy love story because planes need to fly, because they sometimes land in the wrong places and because it can end very bad on landing. But they say there are far more chances for a car having an accident than for a plane crashing on landing. But planes can't have love stories with other planes. They don't stay long enough in the same place on land to get to know each other because they need to fly don't they? and in the air, well if two planes meet in the air then they definetly crash afterwards.

that leaves the sky. But even if planes dream of being in the sky, they are too small and freil to have a happy ending love story with the sky because their earthly needs and old age will eventually bring them back to earth. Where they will end up next to another old and dammaged airplane, two stangers on a land where they only half belong to.

How the story ends

Tessa wanted to live under sunnier skies. Now she does.

Sunday

6 o'clock in the morning
Slammed door. Bright light. A crying voice bursting into my sleeping ears. "Tess, why did he do that? He just left. We had sex and then he left, just a minute ago. He didn't want to stay. Why did he do that? I don't understand. What did I do wrong?"
If you ever wake up from a two-hours sleep like this and think that your day might be off to a bad start, you're wrong. It's not the day that will be bad, it's the whole week.

1 o'oclock in the afternoon
I really have to wake up and start working on my report. The deadline was on Friday and 2 days later I still have zero pages written so far. 30 pages by tonight. I should be able to manage it. O is coming today to our place to search for a job on the internet. Her internet is not working. It's a good thing she's coming by because she's so determined when she wants something done, that I'll probbaly feel motivated to sit in front of my computer and not move all day long until I finish the bloody report.

6 o'clock in the afternoon
I was right. We spent the whole day in front of our computers, working. I have 10 pages so far and a terrible pain in the neck. I only took short five minutes' breaks to smoke a cigarette each half hour or so. Now that my report is finally starting to have a certain frame and content I begin to think about going out tonight. I could just go out for an hour or two and come back by 11. Anyway I can't stand being in front of the computer anymore. I can't concentrate and I'm on the verge of giving up completely. I really don't care about this report, the degree and all the stupid people involved in the programme I'm doing this year.

11 o'clock in the evening
I haven't gone out. I decided against it when I saw that my 10 pages from 6 o'clock had only become 12 by 9. I really have to send it tomorrow. I've already missed the Friday deadline.

2 o'clok in the morning
My head will soon explode. Or my neck will break. I took several breaks just to rest my neck but I don't thing that they had any positive effect. I have 16 pages. I just need 20 pages of content, the rest will be filled with the introduction, summary, thanks, conclusion and other useless stuff that my programme's personnel mentioned in the "How to succed your final report" guide they sent me some time ago. I think I'll take a little break and start reading a sensational novel.

4o'clock in the morning
I've been reading my sensational novel for two hours now. I think it's time for me to go to sleep. I'll finish it tomorrow-the report that is.