Men

Now really

"Do you know how a little about skype?" (38 year old male, married? probably, known him since... yesterday)
"?"
"well, like how to download it. I'm not good with computers."
"(!) you can just go on google, type skype, you'll find the site and you can download it"
"Oh, I don't know. Could you help me do it?"
"(!!!!) yes, ok. on this computer at the office?"
"oh, no, off course."
" well today I don't think..."
"no no, let's say friday, my place"

Me stupid, I know.

"This is definetely the last time I'm going to koh samet......"
" You should really go to koh chang. It's better ...." (26 or something year old male, with girlfriend, work colleague)
" I have been talking with Ae about it for a long time and we said we're gonna go someday."
"....." we go on about koh chang
"So, I'll take you there one week end if you want."
Me stupid again, thinking it'll be a let's get together with other colleagues thing (meaning more than just he and I) "sounds nice, we could do it one week end" until it turns out he did not tell anyone else about koh chang and sends me an address to check some hotel, see if I like it. The big romantic luxurious resort. Great.

"So do you want to go to samet next week end with us ?"(27 year old male, single) Us meaning three other guys+ one girl, no couples.
"Sure." so I take two days leave, really needed a break, definetely not a romantic getaway.
They change locations for a while and one of the three other guys keeps me posted during the week. finally he says one day before leaving, the other options are off, samet still standing. We meet to buy tickets, he doesn't breath a word about the others, though since they leave together I assume they sent him to buy the tickets for them too, no need for five people to do it. Ok, I go buy tickets with him. He asks for two. "what about the others?" he avoids the question. I insist. "oh, they changed their minds yesterday, they're going to kanchanaburi, in the mountains, quite unexciting. They didn't call you?" ok, so I just assume I wasn't invited as well at kanchanaburi. "so, who else is going to samet?". " D and his girlfriends and x and y and two other guys I don't know from bangkok. " I already took my days off, I'm not going to stay home alone and there are more people going so I say ok. When we arrive to samet, turns out finally there's only D and his girlfriend, the romantic couples' week end on schedule. Me very very stupid.

So I cannot help but wonder -as a famous quote would go- is it something about me -like the fact that I must be stupid- or is it just this place? Do men really think that by forcing a little your hand they will get away with want they want so easily? Because I may be easily led sometimes but I still can and do say no.

touché

Me and C. on my terasse overlooking the sea drinking beers.
C. has this new theory about how he is going to find women willing to pay to sleep with him.
"... I'm gonna show her my passport and say : See, address : Sincity. No money, no honey!"
" so what happens if you both live in Sincity and go by the " no money no honey"?
" then we're drinking beers and smoking cigarettes."

Life is full of black horizons

"I want to go somewhere."
"I want to go somewhere too."

I'll take a quiet life

"Where do we go?"

No guns and no surprises

"Anywhere."

So we took the motorbike and just drove for one hour. Then we came back.

the unexpected, the strange and the scary

OMG! I'm completely losing it. This can't be happening to me!

He came back this morning. I swear that when I saw him my heart skipped a beat just like they say in the stupid cheesy novels. Then it began beating very fast and I developped a huge knot in my stomach and I had to Concentrate in order to speak coherently and I felt my cheeks going red. OMG! I think I might have a panick attack. Or a heart attack. I'm too old for this. I could not eat lunch. Only thinking about food made my stomach moan. It said "Don't make me have to swallow things because it would be impossible, I refuse to unknot and the said things would have to go somewhere else". This is insane. I don't skip lunch because of men. It just doesn't happen to me.



This is what happens to teenagers. I wanted the butterflies and the insecurity. That's what makes life more exciting, right? As if I needed a more exciting life! I'm sooooo stupid. Stupid stupid stupid! Not only is this completely insane (I know I'm repeating myself, it's one of the symptoms) and not going anywhere (though I could think of one or two places I would want this to go to) even with grounds that it would be a shared feeling, the problem is that I don't Think that it is a shared feeling. I may see some little signs, but it is certainly My imagination. Definately. Otherwise I would be Really pissed.



Now I remembered why I'm hanging on the safe, "we've lived our share of passion now we just care about each other" "we already know the best and worst about each other" kind of relationship. Because this other stuff is scary. I mean Really scary.



Ok. this feels better. I had to tell someone about this. Just breath in, breath out and get through the day Tess. He'll be gone tonight. I can't wait to be locked in my room. I'll just hang on to that thouight for the rest of the day and I'll be ok.